 Name: Billy
Sex: Male
Height: 6'1"
Eyes: Little black dots inside glasses.
Hair: I think he uses mousse.
Likes: Volunteering for archaeological digs at high altitude. Enjoys spinning silk. Collecting rare beetles. Cleaning up after me (yeah, it's weird, but he really seems to like it.)
Dislikes: Not a single thing or person on the planet.
Comments: Billy likes flowers, fine tea, Incan art and could kick your ass from here to Detroit except that he wouldn't hurt a bug. In fact, he has this really irritating habit of picking up the bugs he finds around the office, talking to them, and putting them gently outside. Billy runs marathons, triathlons, megathons, you name it. His lungs are so clean you could eat lunch off of them. He's always impeccably dressed, with a strong fashion sense.
I don't know why Billy's here. I don't really pay him. He pretty much comes and goes as he pleases, though he's always in the office before I am in the morning, unless of course I've passed out on my desk the night before.
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 Name: Kenneth
Sex: I really don't ask him where he goes at night.
Age: Even his mom probably doesn't know.
Height: Around 14" at the shoulder. 3' when sitting up to beg.
Eyes: Kinda bloodshot.
Hair: Matted.
Likes: Whiskey, Snausages.
Dislikes: Cats.
Comments: Kenneth is of, how you call, "mixed parentage," and his parents are of mixed parentage, and, well, you get the picture. He grew up in a litter of four, which was his mom's second litter that year alone, and, well, you get the picture. Kenneth has three siblings from that litter who all call the same mutt "dad," but as for the dozens of other siblings he has, they are most probably step-brothers and sisters. This has contributed to Kenneth's golden-rule philosophy of treating every dog as a brother. Because any of them could be.
For some reason, Kenneth seems to like me. I think he thinks that by hanging out with me, he's moving up in the world. OK, so he ain't the smartest pup in the litter.
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 Name: Al the Heavy
Sex: Male.
Age: 12 when he couldn't count any higher.
Height: Dunno. Can't see that high.
Eyes: See "Height" above.
Hair: See "Eyes" above.
Likes: Bird watching and macramé. Just kidding.
Dislikes: Broken contracts.
Comments: There are a lot of things an aspiring hard-boiled detective needs. A clouded-glass office door. An ex-wife. A heavy. Al's my heavy. Y'know, the guy who lurks in dark alleys and behind doorways and beats people up when they're getting too close to the truth of a case. Not that I get a lot of cases, but hiring a heavy to beat me up a coupla times a month keeps the image up.
Al is big. In high school, he played defensive line on the football team. Not defensive lineman. Defensive line. Al is also ... dumb. There really ain't a nice way to put it. But the bright side is if I miss paying him, he usually doesn't notice, as numbers are an abstract thing to him.
According to our contract, Al beats me up twice a month, whether I'm working on a case or not. Al ain't much a one for words-- they're another one of those abstract concepts to him. But he's real punctual, and he has memorized the line, "Destruction, lay off the case" which he says just when he's about to hit me.
Al's parents, Al Senior, and Gloria, are proud that their boy is gainfully employed and wears a tie to work.
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 Name: Jimmy the Rat
Sex: Probably male; unless you lift him up, it's so hard to tell.
Age: A very spry 40.
Height: 3' 9"
Eyes: Shifty.
Hair: Short and gray, covering a surprising amount of his skin.
Likes: Cheese, tunnels, crawlspaces.
Dislikes: Cheese snacks in cracker form and other "lower forms of cheese."
Comments: Jimmy the Rat is a snitch, but that's not how he got his name. He doesn't really realize it, but he looks like a rat. Just don't tell him, OK? He hates traps, hangs out at a bar called the Hole, and has an irrational fear of owls and cats. But he's not really a rat; are we straight on that?
Jimmy's a guy with his nose to the ground and his ears in the air. He's not a first-class snitch. Actually, he's a compulsive liar. But he's the best I can afford. Jimmy doesn't really mean to lie; he can't help himself. When I can sort through the fiction, Jimmy occasionally comes up with good information.
When he was younger, Jimmy worked in a lab, but couldn't think of anything he wanted to actually do in a lab but eat, drink and run around the hallways finding out how they all connected. (But it's important to emphasize that he's not really a rat. That's clear, right?) Jimmy has had several short but interesting careers on account a his compulsive lying. He has been a world-famous author, a leading cancer researcher, a Nobel prize winner in physics, a world-class sailor, a professional hockey player, and president of the United States, where he was able to play the part of more than one president on several occasions for inexplicably long periods of time.
While there's a sucker born every minute, there are also laws you break when you impersonate people such as the president, and with broken laws usually come law enforcement types enforcing these above-mentioned laws. These days, with the exception of the occasional foray into the life of a pipe fitter, exotic dancer or health-club owner, Jimmy keeps a very low profile. Easy for a guy who's only 3' 9", but it's important to note that Jimmy is not an actual rat, OK?
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 Name: Profane Beth
Sex: Female
Age: Could be 25, could be 60; who knows?
Height: 5'4" in combat boots.
Eyes: Really, really crazy.
Hair: Kinda sticks out at all sorts of angles.
Likes: Absolutely nothing.
Dislikes: Pretty much everything.
Comments: Profane Beth, as the name implies, swears a lot. She's a street-corner poet with the ability to melt the ears off marines and dockworkers. Beth is angry, but seeing how this ain't exactly Fantasy Island we're living on, I can't really argue. Because she's out a lot talking to people, Profane Beth picks up a lot of useful information. So, on occasion, I'll check in with her for tips. I listen to the gibberish for awhile, then I go home and clean my ears with Drano.
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 Name: Dr. Tim
Sex: Male.
Age: Around 112.
Height: Unbent, around 5' 10".
Eyes: Squinty.
Hair: Used to have it some 80 years ago.
Likes: Hanging out in the lab.
Dislikes: Leaving the lab.
Comments:
Dr. Tim is a cranky old FBI scientist who'll probably die of old age in his lab. His body won't be discovered for several weeks. Dr. Tim is a pretty good scientist, but he can't distinguish between useful and ridiculous research.
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 Name: Agent Tom
Sex: Male.
Age: 35
Height: A very Aryan 6' 2".
Eyes: Blue, what else?
Hair: Perfect.
Likes: Doing justice and being really nice about it.
Dislikes: Having to ask Agent Bob to fold yet another dozen origami swans as part of his anger management therapy.
Comments: Agent Tom is a new-age CIA agent. He smiles a lot and asks about people's feelings. He's kinda the human version of that yellow smiley face thing. I think he's from California. He brought incense, houseplants and CD's of Tibetan chants to the local CIA office. Agent Tom likes seminars. He also likes that really irritating song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
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 Name: Agent Bob
Sex: Male times 12. Seems to have been in serious accident with testosterone truck at some point earlier in life.
Age: 42
Height: An anger-inspiring 5' 4".
Eyes: Who knows? He wears sunglasses to bed.
Hair: Unsettlingly high and tight.
Likes: Bringing justice to the world -- as long as he gets to beat people up along the way.
Dislikes: New-age, wet-behind the ears supervisors who make you fold origami swans.
Comments: Agent Bob really likes to beat information out of people, whether they are witnesses, suspects, or victims. If he can't beat information out of people, beating the tar out of them will suffice.
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